My breath is short. My heart is racing. My mind is throbbing. My tears are rolling, spilling over my eye lids. Cars are honking and people are yelling but I hear nothing. Feeling completely out of place I run on the yellow lines not knowing which side I belong on. My heart is on one side but my mind is on another. My soul, is dieing. This soul crushing internal battle expedites with each step. I become Rainman; having an out of body experience. I can't stop running.

My mom always used the golden rule. "Treat others the way you want to be treated." She was one of those mothers who smiled even when her heart was aching. She laughed this sweet honey laugh and she was always gentle. I remember the Saturdays when we would spend the whole day outside. My brother Jaiden and I would play in the plastic pool and she would bring us ice cream pops and sandwiches. She laughed at our playful banter and admired us when we played together. My dad was in the basement. His home away from home. Occasionally I would go down to his office to check up on him. Because no one else would. I'd play with the paper counter clicking it until it got to 1,000 and then I'd go upstairs. Some who I convinced myself that his silence was his way of telling me he loved me. Therefore those few moments I spent with him ever few hours meant the world to me.

How did I get here? How did life go from sunny Saturday afternoons in the plastic pool to a world where even if the sun was shinning I wouldn't notice? I remember how much I loved him, my dad. I remember how much it meant when he would hug me or hold my hand. I hung onto him and I vowed never to let go. Even to this day after 17 years I still hold on to him.

Where did it all go downhill? It began the day we moved. It was a warm June day. a day filled with excitement for Jaiden and I. We bounced up and down the whole way from the Bronx to New Jersey. We crossed the bridge marvelling at the world's splendor. From the corner of my eye I saw my mother. Her face melted from her normal smile. She looked full of apprehension full of fear. Only now do I understand why she showed such trepidation. Only now do I understand what this move represented.

In the Beginning

In the beginning I smiled. I laughed. I loved. I played. In the beginning life made sense, who I was, what I was destined for and what my life would with hold was all a mystery; but, life made sense. There came a time when my tiny over worked brain started to read into things differently. I no longer saw a day at the park as a day at the park but an excuse to get out of the house. I saw the deep blue sky as a sky of deception and a sky of mystery. The world was a place that wanted you to succeed but had too many obstacles so close to you that wanted you to fail. I realized this all by age five.

You see, most families live the same life. The parents meet, fall in love, get married and finally have kids. That is the standard formula to how kids arrive. However, what lies after that is different in every case. Some find that they are born into to a luxurious life where they will never have to lift a pinkie; others find themselves in the dangerous streets of the Harlem fighting for survival. Of course these are both exaggerated extends. I was born right in the middle. I lived in the Bronx in a huge house...to the people in the Bronx. As you read this you may wonder what is this girl getting at? Or what makes her life so special? I promise to answer ever question. First however, you must know one thing. I didn't write this to exploit my deepest secrets or to exploit my diary. I wrote this as a promise to myself. I promised myself that I would gain a voice and fight back. I promised that one day people would see my world through my eyes. Not to say that I have lived a life of deprivation. No, on the surface I lived quite the luxurious life. However, just like in every Hollywood movie a luxurious life on the surface only means destruction underneath.